Based in Phoenix, Arizona, Nathan is a human being exploring his potential in this world and figuring things out one day at a time like everyone else

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry for not understanding you
And for sometimes not even trying
Because I often get to the point where
It's difficult to see through the lens of compassion
Because I can't seem to show any for myself
Because I'm too hurt
Too lost
Too alone
Too afraid
Too blind to see my own ignorance
And my heart has one too many scars
To want to open back up yet again
Feel the pain
And hope that it will heal up again
More fully
And be able to love deeper than before

I'm sorry for being a silent asshole
Sitting and brooding in judgment
Which is really self-judgment
And not giving you a chance to be seen
In your brilliance
In your darkness
In your wholeness
A perfectly imperfect human being
Because I don't give myself the room to fuck up
So how could I allow you to?

I'm sorry for pretending I'm better than you
So much wiser
More loving
More pure
More enlightened
As if it's a competition
Which shows my true maturity
Needing to feed my insecurities with spiritual validation
And subtly put you in your rightful place
Below me
Because it's easier to continue my facade of perfection
Despite how terrible and messed up I often feel inside
Instead of looking at all the ways I fall short
And then working with them compassionately
To elevate and heal myself

I'm sorry for needing to use foul language
Because I couldn't find more intelligent words
And because it was easier
Less thinking
More projecting of my own unresolved hurt
Not willing to look at the root of my anger
And shit, I'll still fuck it up now and then
But I'll do so consciously
Eyes wide open
Without shaming myself
And try to get better

I'm sorry for lying to you
Often in unspoken ways
Selling you a story of who I am
Too afraid to show you the full picture
Despite some of the darkness I share with you
There is so much more I consciously hold back
Not willing to risk losing a connection
And have yet another painful experience of rejection
For the opportunity to shine even brighter
Laugh even louder
Love even deeper
Smile even bigger
And inspire even greater
It seems silly, quite frankly
Now that I've put words to my fears
For the gains are much greater
Than my tiny little human fears

I'm sorry for playing small
And hiding behind the power I'm afraid to embrace
Not willing to admit to
All the work that I've done
To become the man I'm so proud of today
And the parts of me I'm still scared to fully embrace
The sexy beast of a lover
The intelligent business man who really knows his shit
The spiritually-tuned explorer becoming ever the wiser and more generous
The greatest friend you could ask for who wants nothing but the best for you
I fear being too perfect
Shining too bright
Making others feel insecure or annoyed
And facing the potential ridicule that comes with
I guess
Just trying to be the best human I can be
So I sit back and pretend I'm doing my best
Which I am
But I know I can do, be, and have
So much more
And that I'm still being selfish with my gifts
By not sharing them in bigger ways
And doing you a disservice
By not letting you feel however you need to feel
About me living out my destiny more fully

I'm sorry that I'm not really sorry
For any of the mistakes I've made
People I've hurt
Or opportunities to help that I've passed up
Because I don't want to live a life of regrets
But instead, accept the truth of my words, actions, and story
And realize I've always done the best I can
Or I would have done better
And I'm always looking to improve
So when I say I'm not sorry
I guess I mean I choose not to feel
Any more guilt or shame
For playing the game of life
And taking a few scenic routes
That taught me some valuable lessons
On how not to be myself
So that I could find my way back
To the me that is real
And know even more intimately
My own unique frequency

I'm thankful for my gift
To speak from my heart
And pray these words
Will bring an ounce of healing
Or more
To at least one troubled soul
Who can share in my pain
On the path of self-discovery
To feel a little less lonely
A little more peace
A little more courage
A little more love
And may we find our way home
Just a little more quickly

A New Beginning