What I don't like about society

This is a follow-up post to my previous one.

  • I don't like that we're taught to contain ourselves and our true, spontaneous expression.
    • It sucks. It's unhealthy. And it's just plain wrong. What's wrong with it? It causes us to hold tension inside that eats away at us. It's literally in our muscles. It's like putting a kink in the hose, which affects our nervous system and our ability to express real needs and desires we have that will literally eat away at our body until we express them or they kill us. This is probably the root of many dis-eases we see in our society today. And we are taught to hold back from such an early age that we don't even realize our nervous system has been high-jacked, and we lose all sight of what's really important to us, what we truly desire, and what our real needs are.
  • I don't like that I'm told to just sit down, shut up, and do my work
    • I'm tired of doing work that doesn't inspire me. And most of the work I've done my whole life doesn't inspire me. Perhaps that's why I always waited until the last minute to complete my school work, because I hated doing it so much that it was my only way of rebellion against it. There will never be a day I will just sit quietly and do what I don't want to do for too long. I'm done with that. It's time to do what I want, make money how I want, and make the impact I want to on the world.
  • I don't like that I was never taught how to healthily express sadness, grief, anger, rage, loneliness, helplessness, or hopelessness.
    • That's a pretty solid list of emotional states, and it's only the beginning. We're really not taught how to healthily deal with almost any emotional state. It's just not talked about much, because most of our parents, teachers, and religious/spiritual figures didn't know how to handle them also. So really, it's not these humans faults but rather stems from an ignorance larger than them. Which is why it's a huge part of my mission to eradicate ignorance from the world through love and awareness and acceptance of one another. I should be taught that I'm allowed to feel whatever I am feeling from a young age. I will make sure our next generation is taught that, because it sucks not knowing how to express yourself. I'm convinced that is what has led to most of the health challenges I've faced over the last few years, which really I've been facing my whole life and it's only been more recently that I've allowed them to bubble up to the surface to deal with them.
  • I don't like that we preach things like "you can be whatever you want" and "follow your dreams until they come true", yet in practice, most people will act the opposite.
    • I'm an idealist, and an extremist. But really, I'm the biggest realist there is. I think that if I am here experiencing some sort of reality, why would I live it in such a way that I'm constantly working towards creating it into the wildest dream I could ever have imagined. To live a boring life just seems....boring. It seems unrealistic for me to accept the idea that "this is just the way things are" when I see the radical evolution that has happened over even just the last 10 years, let alone the thousands and millions of years before I was born this life. It's unrealistic for me to look around at everything that is happening right now in the world and not believe that something crazy significant and huge is occurring, the likes of which we've never seen, and rate at which is becoming more and more exponential. It would be dumb and ignorant for me to believe I should keep continuing to live the way I was taught to live as a child, when my heart knows that I can be living a much bolder, more loving, more rich and vibrant life. Why not be a rockstar in business, music, athletics, and life?
  • I don't like that energy, mindfulness, healing, and spirituality are still seen by a majority of people as too out there or unreal or fake.
    • Do you understand how ridiculous it is that we flip a switch and lights turn on? Do you understand our unrealistic it is to believe that we could blast rockets into space and land on the moon? Do you realize how incredulous it is that these invisible waves in the air allow me to speak in a normal voice to someone on the other side of the planet? Those ideas seem more fantasy to me than the idea that I'm more than just this body and that there's some kind of divine order and magic to this universe. Physical architecture alone blows me away every day.

This mostly just feels like a rant at this point, which leads me to my final topic:

  • Why was I taught to feel so guilty about expressing emotion in whatever ugly, intense, raw form it wants to come out?

Rant done.

 

What I don't like about myself right now

This post is an experiment in honesty and letting go.

I've noticed that through all the growth I've experience over the past few years, my identity has shifted quite a lot, and in many areas I still don't feel that settled. But I'd like to get a better view on where I view myself right now, being conscious of the fact that I'm a constantly evolving being.

The following is a list of things I presently judge about myself, as well as a little commentary on each point.

  • I no longer hold a strong stance or opinion on most things
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  • I rarely feel love anymore, if ever.
    • This is quite strange and confusing since one of my strongest intentions has been self-love, and i consistently receive feedback that I hold such a powerful loving space. I do believe I've been learning deeper forms of love that have more to do with action and less to do with feelings, but it sure would be nice to feel it more.
  • I don't judge people on any of the same things I used to, and I notice that I have zero charge around topics most other people do. But when I do judge people, it's often extremely intense judgement that almost consumes me.
    • For the most part, I let people be and do what they want to be and do. But if I do notice something I don't like in someone else, I can easily get caught up in it because I'm incredibly aware that it's somehow reflecting myself, so I get defensive and start feeling awful or enraged
  • I view what most people would perceive as vulnerabilities or weaknesses as something beautiful.
    • When I see someone cry, I love them for it. When I see someone make a mistake or get stuck or lose their train of thought, I just smile and wait patiently, allowing them the space to realize that it's no big deal.
  • I'm scared of talking about sex or intimacy, especially with a woman
    • I grew up with a fog around these topics. They were simply never touched upon much during my upbringing. I didn't know what to believe about them, so I automatically filed them away into my "don't touch/bad stuff" category of things.
  • I hate most of what I've written on my blog, including much of this post, and feel mostly disconnected from it. But I keep writing anyways, because I believe it'll help me find my true voice quicker.
    • I feel like this is very related to my entire life and how I express my voice every day when in conversation with other people. I feel that a lot of what comes out of my mouth is still full of beliefs and programming that aren't actually true for me, but I feel unable to speak what I really feel since it's so buried. Fortunately I am meeting more and more friends that I'm able to be more open and honest with, who help to bring out my true feelings, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. More on this topic in the next point.
  • I feel like a total fraud most days.
    • I know how I sound, how I feel, and how I move when I'm truly tapped into Me. I've glimpsed it enough to just know that true authentic voice. And most of the time, I don't feel that way. Most of the time I feel like the shell of a human. Most of the time I feel lost, subdued, in extremely deep, subtle pain. It's like I'm trying to tell my suffering to hold still so I can concentrate enough on where it's coming from to uproot it at the source, having tried to whack at its branches so long and growing tired of that endless trap.
  • I'm in serious debt.
    • Like many people I know, I'm carrying around a decent amount of debt. But not just financial debt. Emotional debt. The burdens of shame, guilt, and remorse. The weight of desires unexpressed, dreams unfulfilled. And it feels totally overwhelming most of the time, even though I know I'm working to repay it, one day at a time, one step, word, and action at a time.
  • Most people are more affected by my darkness and shortcoming than I am.
    • After writing most of these truths, in a way, I don't feel much truth to any of them. And I sure don't feel any emotional charge around them. I can't even tap into how other people might feel or perceive them in this moment. For me, nothing I've written about is truly troubling, wrong, awful, or bad in any way. They just are. They don't need any of those labels. They're just where I'm at right now, and I accept them, while moving towards more of what I desire.
  • I feel like most people I've met don't understand even half of who I am, because for some reason I haven't been able to understand or uncover yet, I feel totally blocked from being able to express my true voice.
    • I know who I really am. I know what my clear, unobstructed, pure voice sounds like. I know how it feels to embody ME. But there still seems to be way too much gunk in the way for me to be able to even half-express that, or do it any justice. I feel like a sculpture that obviously has tons of progress made, judging by all the chips on the ground, but beyond a general shape there are no details that would identify it as the unique, beautiful piece of art that lies underneath the remaining chips. I guess I will continue to chip away until I start to resemble my true form.

I just realize this post may be heavy for some to read. I guess maybe I should throw in a disclaimer similar to what I wrote about in one of the points that it's all good. That I'm good. That I'm honestly just in a stage of my life where things are in transition and still kinda suck in many ways, but that I'm doing the necessary work every day to create a brighter future.

I'm not going to get caught up in the "just be happy now!" mindset right now, because I tried that for a long time and realized I was just pretending or justifying that I liked things the way they were, when I actually didn't.

So this post is me taking a stand for myself to say that yeah, life isn't what I ultimately want right now, but with some honest work every day, I'll get there. Sure, I've got a fantastic foundation and many pieces are beginning to align with my ideal lifestyle. But it's just the beginning, and it'd do me no good to put all my attention on the "endless possibilities" of what I can create. I'd rather put my attention and focus on the realities that are one step away that take me one step closer to my goals. That's what feels right for me now.

Wow, it feels good to totally love and accept myself even through my perceived negativity or extreme realism. Go me. Fuck yeah.

I don't think I can. But I will.

I've got many big ideas, and over the past couple of years I've been shifting my life in order to make these dreams a real possibility.

On the outside, it looks as though everything has lined up for my success. Awesome.

But on the inside, I still doubt myself. Some part of me still doesn't believe I can do it. And it's stalling me.

Or rather, I'm stalling. Because really, it's just me talking to myself when I hear those doubts.

So, coming from the honest place that I don't fully believe I can accomplish what I dream about, I had a peculiar thought just a minute ago:

Why don't I just prove myself wrong?

Most of my life I've spent proving other people wrong. And that's been the fuel for my achievements.

But lately, I've not been able to draw from that source any longer. I don't feel any desire to prove others wrong. It just doesn't inspire or motivate me any more.

My thoughts now go to - why did that give me energy to act in the first place? What's the root of that inspiration?

And what comes up for me is this: I was turning their impossibility into a reality.

So then, why not do the same for myself? Why not challenge myself to prove my own fears and doubts wrong?

And why does this seem so much more difficult than proving someone else wrong?

Perhaps it's because if I failed to prove someone else wrong, I could always pick another person to prove wrong. Even if they were right, it wasn't the end of the world. I could easily keep moving.

But if I can't prove myself wrong? If I fail at fulfilling my own pure dreams?

On the surface, that looks pretty damn scary. It seems like I'd be a failure if I didn't succeed. It feels like putting all of my eggs in one basket...because it is.

But if I take a deeper look, I find some light shining through the darkness.

I see that firstly, it may not be such a bad thing to put all of my eggs in one basket - if I'm the one holding that basket. I'd rather have full control over my eggs than to diversify and leave my fate up to someone else.

Next, I notice that I'm going to die anyways. Ha. That's a funny thought, and seemingly way too obvious. So even if I spend my whole life working towards those dreams and don't quite make it, as long as I find a way to enjoy it all along the way, there is truly nothing lost. Maybe I can even continue my mission into the next plane of existence I enter. Or maybe we'll achieve immortality in my lifetime and I'll have all the time in the world to go after it. Maybe I'll even make huge discoveries that I can't even fathom right now, and the dreams I'm dreaming in this moment aren't even really what I'm after. But that direction is what's important, that movement.

Finally, what the heck else am I going to do with my life? Sit around and wish things were different or easier? Go backwards and become less and less in alignment with who I truly feel I'm destined to be (and who I already am at my core)? That sounds like a dumb move and a waste of a life.

So, really, I only have one option. Walk my path. The one I've been creating. The one that's staring me right in the face. Because if I stop for a second, I realize that I've been doing it my whole life, and now I am simply waking up to the fact that I've eliminated all other paths that I've tried and not found fulfillment.

If I have to spend the rest of my life proving my doubts wrong, I will. But I've got a feeling that the more my doubts subside, the more I walk on this path, the more momentum I'll build and the more excitement I'll experience from doing what I've always wanted to do.

Boom.

The secret to living in flow

The key to being in flow actually has nothing to do with flow itself. Flow and harmony are more natural states of being than dissonance, disorder, frustration, and suffering.

It's therefore about understanding why you're not in flow, bringing awareness to the root of your ignorance, which is most likely some belief you inherited when you were young that's not in alignment with your truth.

If you are persistent in your digging and remove those blocks, you'll find that a greater flow naturally arises in your life, bringing to you all the things that you desire that've been trying to reach you but got stuck in a pipe along the way.

Perfectionism Is Healthy

I'm a perfectionist. And I'm damn proud of it.

Perfectionism means you've got an eye for beauty, an ear for brilliance, and a desire to constantly improve upon what's in front of you. It results in being in a state of continual growth and learning, while also increasing your capacity to inspire and serve others through the sharing of new discoveries of the incredibleness of life.

What's not healthy is imperfectionism.

Imperfectionism is exemplified by guilt, shame, fear, bitterness, and a general feeling that you aren't good enough, and nothing you ever do will be good enough. This results in a constant state of procrastination, anxiety, insecurity, and suffering.

So I wonder - what is the key to living from a state of perfectionism rather than imperfectionism?

I don't know for sure, but here's the best I have right now. Perfectionism is a result of being totally open and willing to change, while imperfection arises out of a clenching or holding onto certain ideas, ideals, or habits.

Why?

Because a true perfectionist knows that perfection isn't something you just all of the sudden one day arrive at. No, rather perfection is something that can be found in every moment, something that we can simultaneously appreciate while diving deeper and deeper inside of it to find even greater beauty, brilliance, and awe.

As I embrace this mindset more and more, I'm finding it easier to let go of much of the shame, guilt, and resentment I've been harboring since I was a child and picked up on the seemingly all-to-common belief that I'll never be good enough.

I think I shall continue to explore this new mode of living and see where it leads.

So, do you think you could let go of the idea that you need to feel imperfect, incomplete, and unworthy all the time?

Are you brave enough to believe that beauty, perfection, love, joy, and peace could exist right now, in this very moment?

The choice is yours. You already know mine.