I've got many big ideas, and over the past couple of years I've been shifting my life in order to make these dreams a real possibility.
On the outside, it looks as though everything has lined up for my success. Awesome.
But on the inside, I still doubt myself. Some part of me still doesn't believe I can do it. And it's stalling me.
Or rather, I'm stalling. Because really, it's just me talking to myself when I hear those doubts.
So, coming from the honest place that I don't fully believe I can accomplish what I dream about, I had a peculiar thought just a minute ago:
Why don't I just prove myself wrong?
Most of my life I've spent proving other people wrong. And that's been the fuel for my achievements.
But lately, I've not been able to draw from that source any longer. I don't feel any desire to prove others wrong. It just doesn't inspire or motivate me any more.
My thoughts now go to - why did that give me energy to act in the first place? What's the root of that inspiration?
And what comes up for me is this: I was turning their impossibility into a reality.
So then, why not do the same for myself? Why not challenge myself to prove my own fears and doubts wrong?
And why does this seem so much more difficult than proving someone else wrong?
Perhaps it's because if I failed to prove someone else wrong, I could always pick another person to prove wrong. Even if they were right, it wasn't the end of the world. I could easily keep moving.
But if I can't prove myself wrong? If I fail at fulfilling my own pure dreams?
On the surface, that looks pretty damn scary. It seems like I'd be a failure if I didn't succeed. It feels like putting all of my eggs in one basket...because it is.
But if I take a deeper look, I find some light shining through the darkness.
I see that firstly, it may not be such a bad thing to put all of my eggs in one basket - if I'm the one holding that basket. I'd rather have full control over my eggs than to diversify and leave my fate up to someone else.
Next, I notice that I'm going to die anyways. Ha. That's a funny thought, and seemingly way too obvious. So even if I spend my whole life working towards those dreams and don't quite make it, as long as I find a way to enjoy it all along the way, there is truly nothing lost. Maybe I can even continue my mission into the next plane of existence I enter. Or maybe we'll achieve immortality in my lifetime and I'll have all the time in the world to go after it. Maybe I'll even make huge discoveries that I can't even fathom right now, and the dreams I'm dreaming in this moment aren't even really what I'm after. But that direction is what's important, that movement.
Finally, what the heck else am I going to do with my life? Sit around and wish things were different or easier? Go backwards and become less and less in alignment with who I truly feel I'm destined to be (and who I already am at my core)? That sounds like a dumb move and a waste of a life.
So, really, I only have one option. Walk my path. The one I've been creating. The one that's staring me right in the face. Because if I stop for a second, I realize that I've been doing it my whole life, and now I am simply waking up to the fact that I've eliminated all other paths that I've tried and not found fulfillment.
If I have to spend the rest of my life proving my doubts wrong, I will. But I've got a feeling that the more my doubts subside, the more I walk on this path, the more momentum I'll build and the more excitement I'll experience from doing what I've always wanted to do.