I'm feeling nervous today

I hit the snooze button quite a few times this morning.

This is the first day in a long time where i have a packed schedule. I'm jumping on the phone with eight different people, most related to business. I've got a two hour business lunch meeting with my brothers which will serve as our first major meeting for the wood-fired pizza business we're starting. And I'm going to a group run and social tonight.

I feel like I want to just go back to my bed and hide.

What if I make a mistake?

What if I let someone down, especially given the many past experiences I've had where I've let people down?

What if I come off wrong, say the wrong thing, or worse, not have anything to say at all? Could I handle that embarrassment?

I'm afraid that I'll go weak at the knees and start crying a puddle of tears in front of someone I love and admire and respect. I'm afraid I'll be seen as weak, incompetent, or strange.

I'm afraid to be seen. And I'm afraid I'll lose the love of others.

But most of all, I'm afraid that I'll go to bed tonight not having shown up to lovingly serve to the absolute best of my ability no matter the outcome.

And that is why I will succeed today.

I am strong not because I have no weakness, but because I acknowledge my weaknesses and choose to take action to strengthen them. I am strong because when I feel my body collapsing, I choose to open my heart wider and express a deeper truth inside of me. I am strong because I know that no matter if I am rejected or humiliated, I can simply view it as an opportunity to love myself even more fully.

I recently heard a friend say that fear is simply excitement without breathe.

So today, I will put my awareness on what makes me nervous and breathe into it.

Today, I will be strong and victorious.

Owning My Gifts

Right now I'm doing paid work for a friend create the architecture around his business using the power of words.

I've been helping him create a potent image of his ideal customer (called an avatar, in marketing speak) that he can then refer to when conducting any other marketing activities within his business. I've been listening deeply to what he wants to create while gently guiding him deeper and deeper, one layer at a time, to tap into that core of his business where a set of noble ideals meet his unique perspective on life.

While working through this process, I realized something today: I'm really damn good at this.

This work can be challenging for most entrepreneurs who have a general vision and impulse for what they want to create, but they have a hard to finding the right words that beautifully and simply encapsulate what they want to create. They also often find it difficult to speak directly to the people who truly need what they're offering, so they often resort to more generalized language that often comes across as watered-down, inconsistent, and ultimately, ineffective.

Towards the end of our call my friend commented on how good I am at what I do.

It felt so reassuring and fulfilling to hear this. I could tell in his voice how grateful he was to have me on his team to help him turn his dream into a reality, which is something I'm also learning to become really damn good at. And I enjoy the process too.

I don't think I would have been ready to hear his compliment and fully receive it if I didn't already believe in my gifts deep down. It would have come off as a nice comment, but the potency just wouldn't have been there.

This is still new to me. I'm new at honoring my true gifts and talents. I'm new to knowing what specifically I bring to the world that nobody else can bring. My own personal niche in the world.

It feels so good to own my gifts, because it validates that I have value, that I matter, that I am unique and important, and that people are thirsty for the miracles I can create in their lives.

How I Make My Past And Future Useful

One thing I've noticed recently is how quickly thoughts and feelings come and go. 

I've noticed how I really don't take them all that seriously anymore. 

If I wrote something last week that was true for me in that moment, that's great, but I most likely processed and forgot about it completely,

Honestly, in this moment, I couldn't even tell you the topic of most of my posts this past month. They're already out of my system.

What does this mean? 

It means I'm becoming so deeply interested in what I'm experiencing in the moment that my attention has shifted away from the past, and even the future. 

It means I've come to realize that all I ever have is now: 

The past is useful, but only to the degree that it can enhance my present moment experience. The same goes for the future.

The more I resolve and heal my childhood wounds, the less dependent I become on finding my identity in my memories. This makes space to create my identity in my present moment expressions. And I fully honor my past by realizing it has enabled me to express who I am in this moment.

I use to dwell in the future a lot. My addiction was creating future positive outcomes for myself in order to ignore my present moment situation. Fortunately a severe illness stopped that bad habit in its tracks by causing so much distress that all I could focus on was the present. 

The future can be useful by visualizing a desired outcome or state of being in order to create greater inspiration and clarity in the present moment. This may result in making minor or drastic changes in my life, which is what I was unwilling to do when I used the future as an escape.

Im done with this thought now. :-) 

Feeling Emptiness

Right now I'm feeling empty.

I feel like we're taught that emptiness is a bad feeling, something to feared or avoided.

I've been trying to avoid this empty feeling for quite some time now I imagine. I've been doing my best to fill myself in all ways possible through my self-love and self-care practices, but I keep getting pulled back to emptiness for some reason, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

Perhaps there is something this emptiness is trying to teach me. Perhaps this emptiness is simply asking me to sit with it for a little while, so I can fully understand the depths of what it feels like to experience nothingness. 

I'm consciously inviting in the emptiness now, after having resisted it all day long, as much as I could. I'm going to sit and listen to it, and see what it has to teach me. 

It's funny how when I started inviting it in, the internal struggle I was feeling seemed to disappear. I'm actual starting to feel a very subtle enjoyment of this emptiness, whatever that means.

I'll take that as a sign that this is a fruitful path. 

I guess I'll see if I can learn something from this emptiness. 

Here goes nothing.

Show Up Fully Or Don't Bother

I was chatting with a friend tonight and mentioned I felt tired.

He said that lately he'd been feeling tired a lot too, and a practice he started was immediately going and taking a nap or sleeping when he did. He commented "If I can't show up fully, why show up at all?"

That hit me deep. I realized I'd been ignoring my body's cries to sleep more, trying to show up with my friends in a half-zombie state.

So instead of going out and dancing tonight at this music festival, I'm in my tent getting ready for bed.

It feels right.  

And with that, goodnight.