The Paradox of Freedom

 "I don't need to do anything. Ever."

This has been an extremely empoweing thought for me lately.

It takes away the incessant need to always be doing more, achieving something greater, and making a bigger difference.  

It frees me from the addiction of thinking that I need to improve myself or fulfill some grand purpose of which deems me inadequate if I don't succeed.

And let me tell you, it's tough to think and live this way. Without any obligation or desire to be anywhere else but here and now.  Without that need to be anything other than exactly who you are now.

When I'm successfully in this state, I could die in an instant without any regrets. I could sit around for the entire day and do absolutely nothing, yet feel totally accomplished and fulfilled. 

Being in this state requires a total annihilation of the identit you've created for yourself, whether it's seen as good or bad. It requires a complete trust that the universe is doing just fine and would be just as perfect without you. It doesn't need you. 

This may seem strange to you. It's even stranger when you start living it. 

But here's the benefit: when you come from a place of needing to be, do, or have nothing more to feel fulfilled, you are free to be, do, and have anything your heart desires. 

This paradoxical way of living allows you to act fully on every impulse and desire that arises in your consciousness, because you have no need or desire to hold on to any of it, and this it can flow freely through your clear channel. 

This is my aim. This is how I now choose to live. 

 

I'm scared to be happy

I hosted a men's mastermind gathering tonight at my house, or "men's cleanse" as we lovingly refer to it.

The topic of emotions came up quite a bit tonight as we held space for each other to authentically express the fears, frustrations, and failures we felt were weighing us down.

For a while I'e been feeling this discomfort in the center of my chest, around my heart area. I've been confused as to what it was, because I felt like I've been doing so good with learning to feel and express my emotions, especially those usually deemed as negative such as sadness, grief, anger, and rage.

But this one was different. And towards the end of our conversation tonight, I put enough of the pieces together that something finally clicked.

I was feeling bad about feeling happy.

My mind flashed back to when I was a kid and I'd have this big goofy smile across my face. I would run around smiling, laughing, hugging, and generally having a blissful time with life.

But then something changed. It suddenly because not okay to just be happy,  for no reason.

I started being made fun of for being happy. I got weird looks for smiling too big and too often.

I began to feel embarrassed and guilty when a smile came across my face, and in my mind I would subconsciously punish myself when I expressed my heart's pure, unjustified joy.

As strange is it seems to me, I know it's true in my heart.

And thus, my intention is to heal that chamber of my heart so that once again, that unfiltered joy can freely flow through me to positively touch the lives of the people I interact with.

All I Know

I really don't know much at all, not for certain.

I don't have it all figured out.

I don't know if my dreams are possible. 

I don't know who I am, not really. 

I don't know if writing these words is right or wrong, good or bad, helpful or hurtful, important or worthless. 

I don't know if God exists, or if he's loving. 

I don't know what this reality is made of, or if it's even real. 

Heck, I don't even know what real is. 

I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow. 

I don't know if you should take that job or quit that relationship or take up running or go vegan or dedicate your life to serving humanity.

I don't know how you should live your life. Any advice I give is coming from just one single perspective of a human experiencing life.

I don't know what your purpose or your true calling is. 

i dont know what you should believe. 

I don't even honestly know what I believe anymore. 

I don't know if beliefs are even necessary to live a full life, whatever that means. 

The only thing I really know for sure is that I experience these momentary feelings, these desires, these divine urges in my body that are pulling me in certain directions.

They're asking me to step up. To speak up. To open up. To dream bigger. To live bigger. To love deeper. To breathe deeper. To sing, dance, dream, and scream.

And I have only two choices I can make in all situations. 

To resist. Or to flow.

That's it. 

That's my entire life, summed up. 

And every single time I resist that flow, I wind up collapsing in a heap of suffering, tiredness, hunger, and unhappiness. 

All I know is that in any given moment, I can choose to flow. 

And that's all I need to know. 

Loss, Hate, Choice, and God

Yesterday was my one year anniversary...of being let go at my corporate job.

At the time, I acted as if I was okay. I kept a straight face. I did what society taught me to do as a man - to take it as if nothing happened and move on to the next thing. To man up. To not let it get me down and just keep on pushing.

The problem? I wasn't okay. Not at all. 

I felt rejected. I felt worthless.  I felt guilty for letting down my coworkers, my parents, and myself.

I felt like collapsing in a puddle of tears. 

But instead, I did what I'd always done: I shoved my sadness back to the depths of where it came. 

And that's when I started getting sick. 

Yesterday and most of this morning, I relived that rejection, that sadness, that feeling of helplessness. I felt stripped of my power, completely. I felt like dying, because it seemed like I could never get things right. 

Then I did something this afternoon that changed everything and made me feel on top of the world.

And I'm scared to share it, because it might offend some people. In fact, I'm almost certain it will.  

But alas, I must stay true to myself and to the title of this blog, the entire reason I started it: to be totally honest. 

So here it goes.

In the depths of feeling powerless, I started yelling "I hate you God! Why would you do this to me? Why can't I get anything right? Why do I feel like I have no choice in the matter? I'm done waiting around for you to come and save me. From now on, I make all of the choices. I hold all the power to change my life."

And suddenly, I felt alive again. I no longer felt like a victim. I no longer felt helpless, hopeless, sad, or angry. I just felt power. 

Now, if this offended you, let me clear something up. I'm not turning into a crazed, heartless person out to ruin other people's lives. In fact, the whole reason I became so fed up with "waiting on God" in the first place was because I felt powerless to express myself how I truly wanted in my heart, like I was holding myself back, and I this felt powerless to being of any real significant service to other people.

I felt like I kept putting out my own flame, because I didn't hear the booming voice of approval from "God", or at least the image of God I had created in my head. 

The truth is, I feel more open than ever to receiving help from God, the universe, the divine mysterious source of energy, love, and all life than ever before. 

Only now, I've taken my responsibility for my half of creation, which is to make choices with my free will.

You see, I was giving up my free will to God saying "live my life for me", and all God could do was shrug his shoulders. Free will is off limits for him. 

Fortunately, the God I believe in is unconditionally loving, so I've already asked for forgiveness and feel at peace. It's like God just smiled at me like a little child who just threw a temper tantrum and patted me on the head.

It feels good to take responsibility for my life. I'm excited to see how this new perspective will affect how I show up in the world.